Tuesday, February 19, 2013

New Study

Dear Phloem Phreers,

I apologize for the lengthy delay in my posting this but I have had quite the busy year. I am now writing this from a secure location somewhere within the central United States. You see, not long after I started this blog, the government started to watch me (i havent actually seen them but i know theyre there) I have been under near constant surveillance and this has made my studies difficult to perform. But I am excited to announce Dr. Gripe, Dr. Maroth and I have teamed up to study the implications of the Chiquita and Norfolk Banana  Distributors Inc merger.
It has long been known that Chiquita has had near exclusive, shall I say monopolistic, hold on the banana market due to their over-generous government contracts. The one independent company that had been fighting this standard oil like monopoly had been Norfolk. They were the only company brave enough to remove the phloem bundles from their bananas before distribution. But sadly their soaring, eagle-like independence has come to a tragic end with the recently announced merger. So our study will look at the long-term implications of this tragic merger. 

Please keep us in our thoughts and prayers as we study this frightening merger and try to find the yellow, banana shaped light at the end of the tunnel. 

Phreers out. 

"May the swords of your brethren, heal the wounds caused from banabuse"


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

New Study on the Long Term Effects of Phloem Bundles

Researchers from the University of Florida-Coastal Bridge in South Coastal Bridge, Florida have released the results of a 10-year study on the effects of phloem bundles on a group of 35 participants. Half of the group was given a placebundle (phloem bundle placebo), while half of the group was given a small dose of phloem antioxidants each day to see the effects.

The researchers came to the conclusion that all of the people who were given the small doses of phloem antioxidants were all dead by the end of the experiment, while the rest of the participants died because of fear of eating the bundles. All in all this experiment was a total success or failure depending on which side your on.

The proponents of xylembunch studies including Dr. Gripe have criticized the study for being "inhumane and degrading to the human condition" but in fact they are neither.

The take away point that the researchers who conducted this study wanted you the general public to come away with is that Phloem Bundles are in fact "deadly and the devil's mayonnaise."

Stay tuned for further updates.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Vast Conspiracy

What I'm about to tell you the government doesn't want you to know about. There is a vast conspiracy about phloem bundles of which I'm about to tell you. The plan is to eradicate the earth of human beings through a slow and deliberate process. This process which I shall henceforth refer to as the phloem process x. Phloem Process X started when government scientists on Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio started experimenting in alternative fruit weapons. Failures of the banana cannon, and watermelon bazooka did not deter the scientists who finally in December of 2007 had a "significant breakthrough". Doctor Ivan Powell Samuelson, a 30 year veteran of the Air Force, reported in a top secret document recently obtained by the Phloem Phreers that on the morning of December the 7th at 5:43 am the "greatest unknown weapon in the history of the world has been discovered." That weapon turned out to be none other than the famed phloem bundle.

From then on the government conducted many more secret tests to try to harness this insurmountable power. From a top secret document recently obtained by the Phloem Phreers, Dr. Samuelson stated "We have accomplished a major breakthrough in our research tonight. We have discovered that incorporating phloem bundles into the taxonomy of the banana would create the perfect biological weapon, easily incorporated into all restaurants, grocery stores, and especially dining halls and sufficiently deadly. The results are quite promising."

From then on the government instituted Dr. Samuelson's evil scheme with the main aim to shrink the population of the world in order to make it more manageable to rule over. Look for the book called "The Vast Conspiracy: The Phloem Bundle Story" in stores everywhere soon by Dr. Numair.

More articles to come on this vast conspiracy in the coming days or weeks.

Phloem Mania!!!!

I just read this article recently for the always reputable "el comentario". Very interesting stuff showing how there has been a recent surge in the number of searches for the elusive phloem bundle. What this surge means, I don't know for sure, but it is definitely a part of the government conspiracy involved in the whole phloem bundle production. There will be another blog post coming soon about the exact nature of the conspiracy but know for now that the government wants you dead and phloem bundles are the easiest way for them to do it. Here is the link to that page. here

What are Phloem Bundles?

A phloem bundle is the string part of a banana that allows the banana to get nutrients. It is highly dangerous to consume and definitely leads to migraines in all cases. People who support the eradication of phloem bundles from bananas, known as Phloem Phreers, have created this blog to help in the fight against this dangerous-menacing-vile substance. For more information on the taxonomy of a banana go to this webpage. BANANA